Mental Illness

My Wife...who happens to have Bipolar Depression

Dina has asked me to write some thoughts about what I have learned in dealing with her illness. A little background-

I married an amazing woman who happens to have a mental illness. We have shared our experiences with others in hopes of helping them understand and make it as we have. It is a hard and difficult trial but we have proven that it is doable and we are better because of our ability to work together. I hope my thoughts may help.

Most men have an internal desire to “fix” things..I am a fixer. I take charge and I fix things. “Let's go for a walk”, Let's go see a movie”, Let's do something!! You see, in my mind, I was trying to get her mind occupied on something else thinking that would fix her mood. The harder I tried, the worse it became. I couldn't do a thing. I really felt helpless. My heart ached for her but there were no answers.

She slipped into several days of depression. Not getting out of her bed. Staying in a darkened bedroom, crying. I would quietly open the door, see she was still in bed and I would be quiet. I would take the kids out of the house and keep the house quiet for her. I thought, If I were sick, I wouldn't want to be bothered. I would like peace and quiet.

A friend of ours came over to check on Dina..She went into the bedroom and saw a familiar look in Dina's eyes. That look was a look the friend had experienced all too often. This sweet friend took Dina to her scheduled appointment with a Psychiatrist. Dina came home with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. I cannot express the relief I felt with this. I also cannot express the fear she and I both felt with this. My relief came as I thought, “Maybe it's not me!” “Maybe I am not to blame!”

Lessons learned-

1. Do not take it personal.

I had to learn, over and over again that most often I am not to blame for her thinking or emotions. I cannot take it personal because when I do, my emotions come into play. I become angry or hurt. The last thing she ever needs is me to become angry. It only makes her situation worse!

A counselor described it to me this way: He drew two circles on the board. Pointing to one he declared, “This is Dina..The one you know and love. The one you like to spend time with. The one you married. The one everyone loves to be around.” Pointing to the other circle, he said, “This is Bipolar Dina. She is confusing to you. You don't know what to say to her. She has an illness that you cannot fix.”....These are two separate people. Do not take personal the things Bipolar Dina says or does to you. Her actions reflect an illness that she has no control over.

This made a lot of sense!

2. Hug Her!

When I see that look in her eye. The one that tells me she is in a bad place. Better than any medication or counseling is human touch. I would walk over to her with outstretched arms and wrap them around her. I really didn't need to say anything. She would literally melt in my arms. Her shaking would stop and she would morph into something calm and peaceful. I cannot explain it. I think it was a non-verbal communication that told her, “I am here for you.” “I am not leaving you”, and “I love you.”

3. Learn the triggers...and avoid them!

Together, we have learned what her triggers are. They change and they oftentimes come out of nowhere. But when they do come, I make a conscientious effort to avoid them at all cost. For example...A major trigger for Dina is not getting enough sleep. Sleep is crucial for anyone with a mental illness. When she doesn't get her sleep, Her depression kicks in and she is lost for a few days. I have learned that she needs to hear from me that it is okay to sleep during the day. That it is okay to take a nap. I don't care if that nap is twelve hours long. During this time, I expect nothing from her. I will shop for groceries. I will cook the food. I will help the kids with their homework. I will take them to their practice or friends house. I will go to church with the kids....Her sleep is more important than my feelings.

4. Love unconditionally.

My marriage to Dina is eternal. I recognize that above all else. As I view our marriage as being eternal, I look at things with a different perspective. This perspective allows me to experience love at a higher level. God is in charge. His Son suffered greatly for me and my wife and for you and everyone else while He was in Gethsemane. Any pain we experience whether physical or emotional, can be shared with our Savior. We never have to bear these burdens alone. That knowledge came to me in a very powerful way.

Dina and I found ourselves in a very bad place in our marriage. Her illness had snuffed me of everything and I had nothing else to give. We separated for a time, and I knew that divorce was the answer. In fact, I had no doubt that divorce was the answer. Many nights were spent on my knees seeking help. I cried so hard that I literally felt pain. A painful cry is not enjoyable. I felt that pain a lot during this time.

One night while praying, a thought entered my mind. That thought was this, “You cannot change her, but you can change yourself.” I opened my eyes and repeated those words in my head...”You cannot change her, but you can change yourself.” That was it! In essence, God spoke to me and told me to change.

My change did not happen overnight. I had to learn as much as I could about her illness. I had to stop taking everything so personal. I had to start over and forgive. I had to have charity.

It isn't easy. We have suffered greatly, individually and together as we fight this mental illness battle. Together and on the same page has made it all worth it.

Dina and I are at a better place than we have ever been. Our marriage is great and we love being with each other.

Someone with a mental illness might often think that people would be better off without them.. The thought of dying actually becomes an invitation. A thought that repeats itself over and over in their minds. That is hard for a “Well” person to understand. Knowing that Dina has experienced this thought countless times and has pulled through without following through has made her one of the strongest and bravest persons I have ever known.

I have often been asked, “How do you do it?” “How do you stay in such a relationship?” or, I have heard, “You are so strong.” My reaction to this is...”Actually, Dina is the strong one!” She is the one who spends sleepless days and nights in despair. She is the one who wants to end it all. She is the one who lives to see another day!